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    大卫·奥·康纳

    David O.Connor(大卫·奥·康纳),斯坦福大学哲学博士,圣母大学哲学系教授。

    圣母大学始建于1842年,位于美国印第安纳州,是美国32所常春藤联盟高校的新贵。

    David O.Connor教授给他的本科生上了27节哲学课,课堂视频被收录进世界名校公开课系列中,在全世界范围内热播。

    本书是圣母大学哲学教授David O.Connor的哲学课原版手稿首度译作。本课的探讨内容包括柏拉图哲学经典《会饮篇》《斐德罗篇》、莎士比亚戏剧,亦有托马斯·曼的名作《威尼斯之死》、现代小说家安德鲁·德布斯的短篇小说集等,结合数部电影,从古代的哲学智慧维度探讨现代爱情。将古希腊神话天真烂漫的想象力、古代哲人对爱情永不停歇的诚挚思考杂糅进现代人对爱情的想象之中,剑走偏锋地用经典哲学品析当下耳熟能详的电影、小说、戏剧,分析剧中的人物心理与恋爱关系,对于古希腊哲学思想如何丝丝入扣地影响了现代爱情世界,提出了一些非常独到的恋爱观。通过淳朴而新奇的古希腊神话说明爱情的本质,用哲学的尺子丈量现代人爱情的深度。爱情是一道令人孜孜不倦又常常无解的难题,而这本书里有直指终点的钥匙。

    笔尖上的爱情智慧

    《仲夏夜之梦》威廉·莎士比亚

    为追求真爱,拉山德和赫米娅像其他年轻恋人一样选择了私奔,逃往森林。在那里,他们不会被眼中的传统力量或文化所束缚。逃离表达了爱情自身对于自由的诉求甚至是一种野性的渴望,这部作品也是现代西方对浪漫爱情本质理解的奠基性著作之一。

    《指环王》J.R.R.托尔金

    导演彼得·杰克逊将其拍成电影,在爱情上抓住了托尔金思想的高度。亚纹对阿拉贡的爱包含了一种实现个人永生的超脱神圣要素,而对亚纹和阿拉贡而言,这种神圣是由他们的爱带来的,特别是性爱,他们之间的情爱浪漫将迎来新的生命。

    《威尼斯之死》托马斯·曼

    主人公古斯塔夫·冯·奥森巴哈前往水都威尼斯度假,在异国邂逅了一位美少年达秋,他深深爱上了这位俊美如希腊雕像的波兰少年,奥森巴哈对少年的追求,是一个临死的人对生命充满眷恋、对美的追求与热爱的象征。

    《坠入爱河》安德拉·德布斯

    上世纪七十年代中后期的年轻人追求爱情的方式与当今大不同,那时还没有艾滋病,他们似乎不会意识到不检点的性行为可能带来的生理威胁。故事在思考一种人类的可能性,这种可能若想成为现实只有通过一些避孕措施的发明。

    摘下旁观者的面具谈论爱情

    @有猫老宅

    这是一本非常有趣的书籍。时而带你穿越到古希腊围观哲学家的讨论;时而又进入电影中感叹悲欢离合;时而再走进小说中细看一对情侣的爱情生活。爱情这个永恒有趣的话题,不论你现在什么状态,你忍不住会好奇会期待会想要做得更好。当你看到那么多角色有着你相同的感受,有着你不曾有过的各种经历,有着你向往的境界,才明白不过如此,勇敢去爱吧。

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    @阳光漫天10

    这本书对于喜爱哲学的书友来说,是十分值得期待的。爱情与哲学的关系、故事,能在这本书中找到想要的答案。但这种答案不只有句号,有问号、省略号、感叹号,它不是传授,而是引发读者思考,很不错。关于自己与爱情的真实关系,也能在书中找到回音。跟着大师去思考爱情与哲学,很有趣,大师的思维空间总是能让我们思维拓宽,想得更广更深。感谢网易公开课总是让我看到这些精髓的思想!这么有趣的书,超喜爱!

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    @寻找智慧的透特

    爱情的产生基于男女两性的自然吸引,一般来说,男性表现为天行健,自强不息的阳刚美,体现了动态的,具有创造力的父性。女性表现为地势坤,厚德载物的阴柔美,体现了静态的,滋养万物的母性。正如《爱是光着脚的哲学》中提到的,每个人都在寻找自己的另一半,渴望与其结合,以求身心的完整。男女两性在这种自然而然地互动中,伴随着先天性的两性吸引,最终走入婚姻殿堂。赤绳系定,珠联璧合;白头永偕,桂馥兰馨。异性之间的爱情与同性之间的爱情,加在一起,才是人间爱情的全貌。正如书中所说,爱情以在异性之间发生常态,同性之间的爱情,也是一种可供选择的爱情方式。尊重并祝福天下有情人终成眷属。

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    @李小丢

    如何破除对爱的恐惧呢?柏拉图哲学的核心观念认为,爱情是什么取决于它可以成为什么,即使我们永远无法抵达“可以成为”的状态。只要我们一直带着开放的心态,最终成为的肯定比一开始期盼的要多。当我们坠入爱河,我们并没有像有些人说的那样“安定下来”,而是变得不安分,以我们以前从来不敢想象的方式去追寻。因此,“爱情是一种充满渴望、不断追求的生活,而不是简单满足的生活:是一种舍弃。”爱情让我们意识到,生活并不完美,然而没有爱情的生活,却是没有灵魂和生命力的。

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    @夏丽柠

    在物欲横流的当下,我们越来越忽视了爱带给我们的美,而越发重视爱带来的收获或者利益。从美学的角度来说,无论是精神上的情爱,还是以肉体为核心的爱欲,情与爱所迸发出的激情永远是最美的,为了追求官职金钱所表现出来的爱是令人无法容忍的。人非神,可人类所创造出来的情爱的美感丝毫不逊色于神,当先哲们谈爱情时,他们在谈论美,属于我们人类的,生生不息的美!

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    站在哲学的高度对话爱情

    This is Professor David O’Connor. Thank you for listening to my online lectures “Ancient Wisdom and Modern Love”! The response from my Chinese audience has been so enthusiastic that I decided to write a book based on the lectures. The book is now available. My publisher has gathered some of the hundreds of interesting comments and questions you have posted, so I can share a little in your conversations by posting a few responses and further ideas. Thank you to the publisher for translating both sides of the conversation. You will find more discussion in my book of these and many related topics. I wish you all could be my students; it is wonderful that my lectures and my book have inspired so many thoughtful ideas. I am deeply grateful to you all.

    中国的朋友们,我是大卫·奥·康纳教授。感谢你们学习我的在线课程《古代智慧与当代爱情》(前往学习)!因为你们的热情回应所以才使我决定基于我的课程写下《爱是光着脚的哲学》(2014年8月由广西师大出版社出版)这本书。广西师大出版社和网易公开课收集整理了几百个你们发表的有意思的评论和提出的问题,下面我通过回答这些问题和进一步的探讨来分享我的一些看法。感谢广西师大出版社的编辑翻译了双方的对话。关于这些问题和相关话题的更多讨论可以在书中找到答案。我希望你们都能成为我的学生,我的课程和书能够启发你们做出思考是一件很棒的事情,对此我也深表感激!

    (翻页查看问答环节)

    People in love tend to worry about personal gains and losses,  and lose the ego due to the emotional influence by lover. once this case happen, how to face and deal with it?
    陷入爱情中的人容易患得患失,情绪过于受对方影响而失去自我,这种情况一旦发生,请问如何面对和改善?

    Professor O’Connor: “I think we are more complicated than we think. We have an everyday and comfortable image of who are, like old clothes that are good for relaxing at home. But this comfortable image is not the whole truth about us. When we fall in love, we dress up ourselves, we put on our party clothes, and maybe even a wedding dress. These fancy clothes, this better and more beautiful self, is just as real, just as true, as the comfortable everyday self. But fancy clothes are never as easy and comfortable as our old jeans and our soft old shoes! When we fall in love, and then the relationship ends, we put this more beautiful self back in the closest, and hope for another chance to dress up. While we wait, we look at that more beautiful image and wonder if it was true. We may even doubt whether the party was real: Did we lose our true self to the madness of love?Should we avoid the emotional impact of love to hold on to a comfortable image of ourselves? We might try to return to our comfort zone by denying the self we discovered when we were in love. But this denial is a mistake. We mourn when a relationship ends, but our mourning should always be mixed with gratitude, gratitude for how that love revealed to us a more beautiful image of us, an image that most of us see and feel only through the eyes of someone who loves us. Once we see this more beautiful self, we will not ever be as settled into that old everyday self, and this discomfort can feel like a loss. Those fancy party clothes and shoes in our closet make us feel a little less at home in the faded jeans and the worn shoes. But to trade comfort for beauty is never really a loss. So I say: Face the pain of mourning a lost love with gratitude for a new self. –I discuss these issues in last two chapters of my book.”
    大卫·奥·康纳教授:我认为我们比自己认为的要更为复杂。我们在日常生活中会有一个自我感觉舒适的形象,就好像我们在家里穿的旧衣服一样,非常的休闲放松。但是这个舒适的形象并不完全是真实的自己。当我们恋爱的时候就会盛装打扮自己,我们会穿上聚会礼服,甚至是婚纱。这些华丽的衣服就是更好和更美的自我,这个自我和日常生活中那个舒适的自我同样的真实。但是华丽的衣服穿着却不像旧牛仔裤和柔软的旧鞋那么休闲舒适。当我们恋爱分手之后,就会把那个华丽的自我重新放回衣橱中,然后希望下次再有机会把它穿上。我们在等待的时候,就会怀疑那个更华丽的自我是否真实。我们甚至会怀疑这场聚会是否真实:我们是否在爱情的狂热中迷失了自己?我们是否应该逃避爱情中的情感冲击,坚持那个舒适的自我形象?通过否定那个在爱情中发现的自我,我们试图回到自己的舒适区。但是这种否定是错误的。我们哀悼逝去的爱情,但是这种哀悼应该伴随着感激,感激这段感情让我们展现出了一个更美好的自我,一个大多数人只能在自己爱人的眼中看到和感觉到的自我。一旦我们看到了这个更加美好的自我,我们将不再进入到那个旧有的日常的自我当中,这种不适感会让人感到缺失,就好比那些衣橱里的华丽聚会礼服让在家穿着褪色牛仔裤的我们感到有些失落。但是用舒适感换取美丽却绝不是一种损失。所以我认为:怀着感激的心情去直面缅怀失去爱情所带来的伤痛,为了一个崭新的自己。关于这个问题我在书中的最后两章有讨论。

    What's the difference between love and friendship? and  difference with impulse , obsession.  What differentiate love and other feelings, why it is so special?
    爱情和友情的差别是什么?和一时冲动迷恋的差别又是什么?爱情区别于其他感情,有什么特殊之处?

    Professor O’Connor: “The question about obsession is too hard to discuss in a short paragraph! Some of my ideas might become clearer from my discussions in my book of Shakespeare’s play Othello (in chapter two) and of the French movie The Hairdresser’s Husband (in chapter four). –This question about love and friendship comes up all the time with my students. They often say that it is best to be a friend with someone first, and only after to fall in love with them. But I disagree, and I think my students don’t really believe this either! There is even a phrase in English that shows the difference between romantic love and friendship, when we say that someone we find attractive has ‘put us in the friend zone.’ This means we aren’t being considered as a candidate for romance, even though that attractive person likes us and is happy to spend time with us. Once you are put in ‘the friend zone,’ it is unlikely you will ever escape to ‘the romance zone’. I would go so far as saying that you shouldn’t treat as a friend someone whom you want to consider as a potential lover. The energy we feel from falling in love is simply a different thing from what friendship gives us. A mark of this difference: we feel more self-conscious about our flaws with a love interest, a romantic candidate, than we do with friends; we have more energy to ‘look good’ for a lover than for even our best friends. (I discuss the power of this romantic self-consciousness in the second chapter of my book.) Of course, we usually do become a friend of someone we fall in love with; but someone we love, even deeply love as we love a spouse, does not need to be our best friend. And here is some marriage advice: you do not have to dress up for your friends, but you should dress up for your spouse at least once a week!”
    大卫·奥·康纳教授:很难在一个较短的篇幅中探讨迷恋的问题。在我的书中关于莎士比亚的戏剧《奥赛罗》(第二章)和法国电影《理发师的情人》(第四章)的讨论中我的一些观点有更清楚的阐释。这个关于爱情与友谊的问题也是我的学生们经常提出的问题。他们常说最好先成为朋友,然后才开始相爱。但是我不同意这个看法,甚至我的学生自己也并不真心这样认为!在英文中甚至有一个关于浪漫爱情与友谊差别的说法。当我们说自己被喜欢的人“放进了朋友区”,这意味着我们不再是对方爱情的候选对象,即使对方对自己有好感并愿意待在一起玩。一旦你被放在了“朋友区”就不太可能再进入“爱情区”了。我要进一步说明的是如果你将对方视为自己未来的恋人就不应该像朋友那样对待他/她。恋爱中所感受到的力量和友谊所给予我们的是完全不同的。这种区别的一个标志是:当我们与追求对象在一起的时候会比和朋友在一起的时候对自己的缺点更敏感。相比于朋友,在恋人面前我们更有动力去注意自己的形象。(我在书中第二章讨论了爱情中自我意识的力量。)当然,我们也常常和我们的恋人成为朋友,但是我们的恋人,甚至是我们深爱的配偶都不见得一定是我们最好的朋友。我再提出一个关于婚姻的建议:你不用为了自己的朋友盛装打扮,但是你至少应该为自己的配偶每周盛装打扮一次。

    Why we fear of love?
    为什么我会恐惧爱情?

    Professor O’Connor: “Think about how we are nervous or anxious before an athletic contest, even though we have trained for it for weeks or months; or how we are nervous before we go on stage to act in a play, even though we’ve rehearsed the lines a thousand times. Anxious athletes or nervous actors fear the moment of performance even though they seek that moment and think it a very good thing, because performance is demanding and risky. The best trained athlete can still lose, and the well rehearsed actor can still flub a line. So we fear the performance because we may not measure up to what we want to be in the heat of the moment. Because of this fear, many people would never choose to compete in athletics, even though they might like to exercise and to train; or they might never want a part in a play, even though they love the theater. I believe we fear love in the same way. Love makes something new out of us, which is both exciting and nerve-wracking. And we invent all sorts of strategies to avoid or remove the risks and demands of moving toward this new self we find in love. I try to delve into some of these strategies and fears, with lots of help from Shakespeare and Plato, throughout my book.”
    大卫·奥·康纳教授:想想在运动会前我们是如何的紧张和焦虑,即使我们已经为此训练了数周或数月,或者再想想我们在上台表演话剧前是多么的紧张,即使我们已经把台词排练了上千次。焦虑的运动员和紧张的演员都会在临场一刻感到害怕,即使他们一直期盼那一刻并认为这是件极好的事情。因为比赛和表演都充满了不可预见的失败的风险——训练中表现最好的运动员仍有可能输掉比赛,排练顺畅的演员仍然会在演出中说错一句台词。所以我们怯场,因为我们也许无法达到热恋时自己期待的样子。因为这种恐惧,很多人选择永远不参加比赛,甚至不愿意去练习或者训练,或者永远不愿在话剧中扮演一个角色,即使他们喜欢剧场表演。我认为这和对爱情的恐惧是一样的。爱使我们自身产生了新的东西,这使我们既兴奋又紧张。在寻找爱情、迈向全新自我的路上,我们想尽各种办法避免或者消除因此产生的风险和艰辛。在我的书中,通过莎士比亚和柏拉图,我试图去探究这些方法和恐惧。

    We tend to surprise and confuse about why person A and B is in love, and we try to explain it with abundant of explanations, such as similar background, common interests, rich, beauty, physical fitness etc. While it work on couple A, might not does on couple B.  Could I draw the conclusion from it that people don’t really in love with each other, he or she just love oneself in the love story they create together, or just the self reflection?
    我们常常惊讶和困惑于A和B为什么会相爱。然后我们会拿出一大堆理由来解释,比如相似的家庭背景、共同的兴趣、有钱、美好的相貌和身体等等。但这些解释在A、B之间说得通,放到C和D之间可能就说不通了。那我是否可以说:其实人是不会相爱的,TA爱的至多是与对方共同缔造的爱情故事里的自己,或者自我投射?

    Professor O’Connor: “This is a great question, or rather a mystery. Love always seems to be more than what can be explained by listing the attractive features or character traits of someone we love. If we are asked what attracts us to our lover, and we mention her beautiful long hair, or his kindness, or sense of humor, won’t it still be true that many other people we know, but did not fall in love with, have hair just as beautiful, kindness just as authentic, and make us laugh just as much? As the question suggests, it seems that there must be something about me, not just about you, that makes me fall in love with you. And these two facts –that your attractive properties can be reproduced in many other people I don’t love, and that I seem to be creating or projecting something onto you when I love you, not just discovering something about you –can lead people to become cynical about love, and think it is nothing but an illusion. I think finding a way to acknowledge that love can’t be explained merely by the properties of the beloved, but must also involve my love of myself, without slipping into a poisonous cynicism or skepticism, is the most important task for a philosophy of love. I certainly could not answer the question without lots of help from greater minds than my own! This is why I am so grateful to Plato and Shakespeare, whose writings give the best antidote to romantic skepticism that I have found. I try to defend love against the charge that it is nothing more than narcissism and fantasy in my discussions in the book in the last two chapters of Plato’s Phaedrus and Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. With a hard question like this one, always look for help from people greater than you.”
    大卫·奥·康纳教授:这是一个很好或者说很奇妙的问题。爱情似乎总是能够超越那些在现实中用来解释爱一个人的一大堆理由。如果我们自问是被恋人身上的什么优点所吸引,可能我们会说她们美丽的长发,或他的亲切善良或幽默感,可是我们认识的其他人也具有这样的特点,我们却没有与他们相爱。就像问题中提到的那样,似乎这是因为自我而不仅仅是对方才让我们坠入爱河。一方面,对方的吸引人的特质可以在很多自己不喜欢的人身上复制;另一方面,相爱时,我们不是发现了对方的特质,而是把自己创造和想象出来的东西投射在对方身上。这两点导致人们对待爱情采取游戏的态度,认为这不过是一种幻觉。我认为承认爱情的存在不应该仅仅通过对方身上的特质来解释,而应该包括对自我的爱。避免变成讨厌的玩世不恭者或怀疑论者,就是爱情哲学最重要的一个任务。不借助诸多伟大思想的帮助我无法独自回答这个问题。这是我对柏拉图和莎士比亚心存感激的原因,他们的作品是爱情怀疑论最好的解药。在我的书中最后两章,关于柏拉图的《会饮篇》和莎士比亚的《仲夏夜之梦》的讨论中,我试图反驳爱情是自恋和幻想这一指责。对于像这个问题一样难以回答的问题,我们应该向那些更伟大的人寻求帮助。

    Here is the situation: Girl A is jealous and dependent, and so is rather demanding of her boyfriend. Girl B is generous, in the sense that she doesn’t get jealous easily, and less dependent than Girl A is, not as needy. People say that Girl B is a ‘better’ girlfriend than Girl A, because Girl B is easier for her boyfriend to get along with. But the questioner wonders, isn’t Girl A more deeply attached to her boyfriend? Doesn’t the need of Girl A go deeper? Isn’t this deep need where jealousy comes from? It looks like Girl B is an easier girlfriend because she doesn’t care as much for her boyfriend. In fact, is anyone really is your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, if you don’t feel some jealousy toward them? How do you consider this situation? What kind of behavior shall we call genuine love?
    我有两对学长学姐是情侣。学姐甲非常粘男朋友,非常依赖男朋友并且容易吃醋;学姐乙却非常大度,不怎么管男朋友也不依赖他。大家都说学长乙找了个好女朋友,我却觉得学姐乙不如学姐甲爱的深。老师,您怎么看待呢?到底怎样才算是爱得情真意切呢?

    Professor O’Connor: “I think this question points to a very important question I often pose to my students, and to myself: Who is more in love, the person who needs the other more, or the person who enjoys the other more? In this case, it looks like Girl A needs her boyfriend more, but maybe Girl B enjoys her boyfriend more. This difference between need and enjoyment can even arise within a couple: If Girl A needs her boyfriend more than she needs him, but he enjoys her more than Girl A enjoys him (in part just because she needs him so much that she is jealous), which is more in love with the other? In my book, these issues come up when I discuss Woody Allen’s movie Hannah and Her Sisters (in chapter two), and they run through many later discussions. I tend to agree with the questioner, that need and jealousy are a part of being in love, so that I am suspicious about how serious a relationship is like that of Girl B. But I do think the heart of love is joy, even though that joy can never be perfect and complete (a theme I discuss at length in chapter four). So in answer to the final sentence in the question, I would say that genuine love will involve jealousy, because genuine love focuses in a special, indeed in a unique way, on one particular individual; but this intense focus should be characterized by joy in the relationship, not by anxiety about it. But love in this world is always imperfect, so joy and need will always be intertwined.”
    大卫·奥·康纳教授:我认为这个问题指向了一个我经常向我的学生和自己提出的问题。谁爱的更多,是那个更需要对方的人还是比对方更享受爱情的人?在上述情况中,女孩甲更需要她的男朋友,但是女孩乙比她的男朋友更能享受爱情。需要和享受的差异甚至在夫妻之间也会出现。如果女孩甲比她的男朋友更需要他,而她的男朋友比她更享受这段感情(部分原因是她太需要他所以会经常吃他的醋),那么谁更爱对方呢?在我的书中,当我讨论伍迪·艾伦的电影《汉娜姐妹》(第二章)中,提出了这些问题,他们随后也进行了很多讨论。我个人倾向同意提问者的观点,即需要和吃醋是恋爱的一种表现,所以我不禁怀疑女孩乙的恋爱关系究竟有多真切。但是我也认为爱情的核心是快乐,即便这种快乐并不可能一直是完美无缺的(这一点在书中第四章有详细讨论)。所以对问题中最后一句话的回答,我想说:真爱是包含嫉妒的,因为真爱以一种特别或者说独一无二的方式将一个人当做焦点,但是这种强烈的聚焦应该充满着快乐而不是焦虑。但是世上的爱情从来就不完美,所以快乐与依赖总是相互交织。

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    感谢上述提问者以及广西师范大学出版社、新民说